First, you should know that the FreedomWorks special ops unit that kidnapped invited me to an undisclosed location for discussion has treated me very well. I must say, that sodium pentathol stuff does clear your mind! And now that I’ve agreed to tell the truth about Obamacare, my hosts have turned off the Christian rock music they had been playing for me nonstop for several hours through concert-size speakers. I really appreciate that.

OK, so they caught us on the death panels. We might as well come clean. I know H.R.3200 doesn’t say anything about death panels, but it’s written in invisible ink between the lines in section 805, “TERMINATION OF ELECTION IN CASES OF SUBSTANTIAL NONCOMPLIANCE.” We liberals were coached to tell you that provision is about employers who don’t offer health benefits, but if you hold the paper under the right kind of lamp you see what it really says — If you don’t comply, you will be terminated.

In fact, the death panels have already met and made their determinations, and the death panel squads are ready to deploy as soon as they get the go-ahead from Kathleen Sebelius. But here’s another hint: If the death panel squads surround your house and ask you to surrender, all is not lost. You can invoke section 202, “EXCHANGE-ELIGIBLE INDIVIDUALS AND EMPLOYERS.” That means if you are on the death list, you may be eligible to be exchanged for someone else. If they accept your petition for review, that should give you at least six weeks to pack up and get out of the country. See? It’s not so bad.

I know the death panel thing sounds harsh, but you may be reassured to know they are faith-based death panels. The President has even been working with a group of rabbis to be sure that death panel determinations do not reflect anti-Jewish bias.

Of course, the ultimate goal is to get people to worship government as their religion. Oops, I wasn’t supposed to say that. But, y’know, once everyone realizes that Government Is God, they’ll accept the death panels. God’s will, and all that.

You’ll notice that several sections of H.R.3200 refer to “Medicare Part A.” What you don’t know is that the “A” stands for “Amabo,” which is “Obama” spelled backward. Medicare Part Amabo refers to a program in which older people will be bused to Canada, where the Canadian government has agreed to set them adrift on ice floes. This will not only lower health care costs, but will also save Social Security! Win-win!

You might argue that there has been a “Medicare Part A” for many years, but that just shows you how organized we liberals are. We’ve had this program secretly in place even before Lyndon Johnson signed the Medicare bill. The same operatives who planted Obama’s birth announcement in those Hawaiian newspapers in 1961 were already working out the deal with Canada. President Kennedy balked, but we took care of him, didn’t we?

As you know, we liberals were born with a genetic defect that gives us an uncontrollable urge to spend money and raise taxes. We claim we just want to have good government, but that’s just the excuse. We also want people to die on operating tables just so we can watch.

And once we get the health care/tax increase deal done, it’s on to the next project — changing the name of the country to “Union of Fascist-Socialist Republics.” It’s been the plan all along.

That’s all I know. Maybe there’s more, but since I’m a low-level operative there’s a lot they don’t tell me. And I’m sure I’ll see all of you soon, as soon as the nice man from United Health Care agrees to remove the electrodes.