From How to Win a Fight With a Conservative, by Daniel Kurtzman, comes a seven question, scien-terrific test, designed to show you What Breed of Liberal Are You? (don’t you like being told that you’re a breed?). I took the test and found that I’m a "Peace Patroller" – check out these nearly useless distinctions:

• Peace Patrollers, also known as anti-war liberals or hippies—believe in putting an end to American imperial conquest, stopping wars that have already been lost, and supporting our troops by bringing them home.
• Eco-Avengers, also known as environmentalists or tree huggers—believe in saving the planet from the clutches of air-fouling, oil-drilling, earth-raping conservative fossil fools.
• Social Justice Crusaders, also known as rights activists—believe in equality, fairness, and preventing neo-Confederate conservative troglodytes from rolling back fifty years of civil rights gains.
• Working Class Warriors, also known as blue-collar Democrats—believe that the little guy is getting screwed by conservative greed-mongers and corporate criminals, and you’re not going to take it anymore.
• Reality-Based Intellectualists, also known as the liberal elite—are proud members of what’s known as the reality-based community, where science, reason, and non-Jesus-based thought reign supreme.
• New Left Hipsters, also known as MoveOn.org liberals, Netroots activists, or Daily Show fanatics—believe that if we really want to defend American values, conservatives must be exposed, mocked, and assailed for every fanatical, puritanical, warmongering, Constitution-shredding ideal for which they stand.

Kurtzman also wrote a companion volume, How to Win a Fight With a Liberal, which astonishingly appeared at the very same time as his first book. It also comes with a seven question test of its very own. Clearly the guy is a genius, the kind that has a shrewd eye for opportunity (and that is not a slam, although it sounds like it). If it’s too hard to bring people together, we can instead find a way to profit from the Culture War. I’m not really condemning Kurtzman – I sort of wish I had thought of this, paralleling those moments when I wish I had come up with that famous icon of kitsch, the Ronco Vegematic.

On a more serious note, does anyone still feel the need for the kind of assistance the first book tries to provide? There was a long period of time when I felt beleaguered and overwhelmed by belligerant conservative behavior and rhetoric, but not any more. This receded due to the failures of conservative ideology and its politicians, and in the meantime, we libs have gotten stronger and more confident in standing these people down.